Day 31: a vivid memory
Irony is being two days late on the last blog entry of thirty days of blogging. I could not figure out what vivid memory to share. What makes any memory vivid? And the ones that I thought of first were traumas that are better left in the past. Here goes…
It was so hospital cliche, the sights, the sounds, the smells… My Dad asked to see me and I walked through the big doors at the right time to not get squished. I guessed which curtain he was laying behind, took a deep breath, and went in. I knew this was just the waiting time for hip surgery, but something in my spirit knew that this was also going to be the last time he and I spoke. At first, I pulled out my sock knitting as a way to distract myself, but realized that I needed to make the of the opportunity. I looked into his eyes and saw something, some form of confirmation that I had been dreading since March…he was going to die soon. I folded my arms and rested my chin in them as I laid on his legs. I said in my heart, “I love you, I forgive you, goodbye.” I reached for his hand and held it. Suddenly I was transported to a different time, and my hand felt the size of a small child’s in his big Dad hand. I was younger, vulnerable, and afraid. I looked into his eyes and I believe he responded in his heart with “I love you, goodbye.” I was so overwhelmed. We eventually went up to the operating room as a family. While my family went to a room, again I was with him. He began to whimper like a small child, “I don’t want to go.” He was younger, vulnerable, and afraid. I comforted him and said it was going to be ok. As he went to surgery, we all said goodbye. He went robe with Jesus two days later.
Day 30: react to this term: Letting Go
Letting go seems like the most necessary thing to do and at the same time the hardest thing to do. There have been so many areas of my life where letting go has needed to occur… Letting go of unmet expectations, unhealthy relationships, lies and faulty patterns, and assumptions.
Someone once prayed that I would find new perspective when going on a trip. I realized that in order to do that I needed to evaluate and let go of old perspective. When we let go of one thing, we look for something to hold onto. Letting go without hope or trust is pointless.
Lately, I have been trying to let go of my will and rest in the will of God. It’s harder as my sinful nature fights against His call to trust unconditionally. He knows what Ge’s doing and will do. “Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders…” (Oceans (where feet may fall) United Live)
Day 29: five songs or pieces of music that speak to you or bring back memories. Use Grooveshark or YouTube to include them in the post
1. Someone to Watch Over Me sung by Ella Fitzgerald The lyrics just ring true and I like the references to Psalm 23
2. Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen and From Wayne’s World Know all the words and learned the song existed because of the movie.
3. I Just Called to Say I Love You by Stevie Wonder “Lady in Red” was the first cassette tape I ever owned… And this was my favourite song.
4. Your Love Remains by The Brilliance This band opened for Gungor and I needed to hear this song right down to my core.
5. Every New Day by Five Iron Frenzy Favourite band in high school and I knew all their songs… This one in particular reminds of Bernie, a youth leader I had, who introduced me to the band.
Day 27: a letter to your readers
This morning I woke up to the realization that fear of man does not need a place in my life. Between the sermon I heard on Sunday about God being trustworthy and writing out Romans 8, I conclude: whom shall I fear?
Throughout this month, I have wondered if this blog is being read at all and if these daily posts are actually serving some sort of purpose… I realize that they have been helpful to me as I have explored a number of areas of my life and have just had fun with them.
I hope you have enjoyed my processing out loud through these entries and that at the very least they have encouraged you to think about things. Isn’t so much of life unlearning and learning again? We are constantly bring tempted to question who is really in control, did God really say?
What next month’s entries will be like, I cannot tell you. I pray that whatever direction they take, I will not lose you and perhaps maybe I’ll even get a comment or two.
Thanks for following!
Day 26: something you read online. Leave a link and discuss, if you’d like.
maybe you get bad customer service because you’re a bad customer?
This blog was posted on a friend’s fb page. Before I began my current job, I worked 10 years of retail. Matt, the author, so eloquently expresses the trials of people who treat those working in customer service like they are lower class than them… He highlights a lot of good points about character. The one thing that I wish they would teach those working in retail more often is rational detachment. The ability to take yourself for the equation and realize that you had nothing to do with the way you are being treated. It took me a while to learn this as someone is more empathetic to the reactions and feelings of others. I remember at 19 years old being told by a manager that I needed more back bone. In hindsight, I think she was wrong. What I needed was confidence and the ability to rationally detach.
Day 25: something someone told you about yourself that you’ll never forget (good or bad)
I once met with the Pastor to talk about a few things I was struggling with…one topic being dating. I said, “Do you have any dating advice?” His response, “Just be.” It baffled me at the time, but since I have been able to, by God’s grace and teaching, grasp what this profound advice means. My identity is to be in Christ. My desire for love and acceptance is to come from the true Pursuer. And with these in place, I can just be. Be the beautiful woman He created me to be. Be the one He has redeemed and is shaping into His likeness moment by moment.
But this “just be” philosophy does not just apply to dating. It applies to friendship, work relationships, family connections and the like. It is the reflection of a rippling effect where the deep foundations are reaching out to who I am.